#37 Loving What Is & Difficult Relationships
Kelly shares another life-changing book that had a hugely positive impact on her relationship with her mother. ‘Loving What Is’ by Bryon Katie fell into her life in 2009 to give her the wake-up call she needed to drop her stories.
Now on the eve of her mother’s arrival to begin a new life in Spain, Kelly reflects on her personal growth in the three years since they last saw each other.
As always, this episode ends with an opportunity for you to reflect. What are your most challenging relationships here to teach you?
Kelly is taking questions for an upcoming Ask Me Anything episode. Go ahead and ask her anything at: hello@myprojectme.com
Read the Transcript for this Episode below:
Episode 37 of the Project Me podcast.
Hi, I'm Kelly Pietrangeli, the creator of myprojectme. com. This podcast is designed to be an entertaining, lighthearted, inspirational, personal growth journey. Each episode goes in a mostly chronological order as I piece together the books, modalities, people, and experiences that have fallen onto my life path exactly when I needed them.
And how often I resisted the very things I needed the most or didn't see the gifts contained in the challenges until later. By sharing my stories, I hope to inspire you to reflect on your life path. What are the seeming coincidences that have led you to where you are today? What are the hidden gifts within your challenges?
And what magic is out there waiting for you as you let go of resistance and follow your own breadcrumb trail? At the end of each short episode, there's an opportunity. For you to reflect on how my story relates to your own life. You'll also find a PDF of journal prompts in the show notes or in the podcast section at myprojectme.
com. Hi guys. Welcome back. Tomorrow is a very big day for me and an even bigger day for my mother because she is moving from the USA where she has lived for the entire 76 years of her life to Spain where I'm living now. Yep. Vagabond Ginger is ready to plant herself down here in Espana. She dropped the big news only last Christmas on Christmas day.
She sent through this email, wanting me to read it out loud to Luca and the boys. And she basically said that she'd been applying for retirement. visa to immigrate to Spain, that she'd had her police checks and filled up mountains and mountains of paperwork. She had all that completed. She had an appointment set to travel to Los Angeles to the Spanish consulate for interview.
She did all of this on her own without even telling us. And then after that, she got her application approved. She went and picked up her visa. And as I'm recording this. I actually think she's in the air on her way here to Madrid. It's all happened so fast and it could happen so fast because my mom is a minimalist.
She gave up all material possessions about 15 years ago to live a life on the road. Everything she owned fit into the back of her beloved Toyota pickup truck. She drove around America doing volunteer work in exchange for room and board. She also found seasonal work in national parks like Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon and she worked up in Alaska for a summer.
She lives off of her social security checks and because she doesn't spend money on stuff, she has money to travel and have meaningful adventures. She has worked in an orphanage and AIDS hospital in Thailand, fitted shoes on kids feet in Haiti, built houses in the Dominican Republic, And worked with sea turtle preservation projects in Mexico.
She even ziplined from Zambia to Zimbabwe a few years ago. All of this is possible because of her minimalistic approach to life. My mother often counsels other retirees to downsize and declutter. And I feel so grateful that I'll never have to empty out her house one day and sort through all of her stuff.
Because she doesn't have any. She is literally arriving in Madrid tomorrow with her suitcases. She's not shipping anything over. It's really quite mind boggling. She doesn't speak any Spanish, and it's a very gutsy thing to do to move to a new country at her age. I mean, a lot of 20 year olds would be afraid to do it.
But, she's done her research and she wants to try living on the coast in Alicante. She wants to finally plant herself somewhere after so many years of traveling around. She tried living in San Diego for a while, but there was no way she could afford the rents anywhere near the actual coastline, so she was pretty desperate.
Pretty far inland and not really in the nicest of areas and kind of overpaying for what you were getting in Alicante. Her money will go a lot further and she hopes to find something closer to the sea, but she's also open to being in the city itself because it looks like a very vibrant city with lots to see and do.
And I have to say that neither one of us has actually ever been to Alicante, but next Monday we are heading there by train to start apartment hunting. On my vision board, I printed out a picture of the Esplanade in Alicante and I glued a picture of us together onto it so it looks like we're there. This is a symbol on my vision board of us manifesting her fabulous new place to live.
Now, before you start thinking that she and I are the bestest of buddies, I need to be upfront and honest about our relationship. We've had our real ups and downs. As a kid growing up, she worked nights in a factory. Leaving me to look after my little half brother on my own. I didn't feel she was there for me, or that she understood me, or that she wanted to understand me.
Our communication was terrible. We had regular fights, and her go to punishment was always to ground me for a month. Which is pretty hard to enforce when you work the night shift and aren't actually home to enforce it. It was crazy. I moved out just after my 18th birthday, and I didn't even say goodbye. I left Minnesota and moved to California when I was 20.
And a few years later, she followed me, sleeping on my sofa in Hermosa Beach until she found a place of her own. I'm smiling because 35 years later, that's what's happening again. Only this time I have a guest room and she won't have to sleep on my sofa. We started having fun and adventures together throughout my 20s.
And when I moved to London, she visited me there. And I remember we spent her 50th birthday together in Paris. It was amazing. It was after I had kids that things went a bit sour for us again. On the rare occasions that she'd see her grandsons, she was impatient and irritated, and loved to tell me how much she didn't like small children, which was of course very hurtful.
I wanted my kids to have a grandma that adored them and wanted to spend time with them. I wasn't my best self around her either. She brought out my defensive, moody side and I'd find myself in tears over something she'd said or did that hurt my feelings or made me angry. I began to dread the once every year or two years that we'd meet up with her in America or if she was coming to London.
We just couldn't seem to get along for more than two days. Then something happened that shifted our energies. It was 2009, and I was at my friend Susie's house, agonizing over my mother's imminent arrival to London the next day. My boys were nine and six then, and although I was finding parenting life easier, I still worried that they would annoy her, and then I'd get annoyed and upset.
I was trying to figure out coping strategies for how to avoid being triggered by her sharp tongue and tactless comments. Susie said, Wait, hang on, let me get something that might help. She came back holding a book called Loving What Is? Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, written by a woman called Byron Katie.
She said she wouldn't normally loan a book out that had been loaned to her and that she hadn't even read yet, but she said if you want to read it quickly before your mother arrives tomorrow and give it back to me, you could do that. The friend who'd loaned it to her said you're meant to use a journal or a notebook and to not read ahead.
Simply give yourself a good chunk of time to answer the four questions from the book on paper. She said it's meant to be some kind of a miracle for when you're finding someone difficult to love and need a total reframe. Hmm. Loving what is. Okay, I was willing to give it a shot. And now that I know about meaningful coincidences, I can see that it was no random chance that I walked back home clutching that book in my hands.
I had intended to dive into it that evening, but by the time the kids were in bed, I was too exhausted, and I was still anxious and stressed about my mother's arrival the next day. I parked it on my bedside table with a notebook and pen ready for the next morning, and I hit the hay. And when I woke up, I opened the book to find out what these four questions were that were going to possibly change my life.
The book begins by telling us that much of our stress comes from mentally being in other people's business. We need to stay in our own business and out of other people's. To think that we know what's best for anyone else is to be out of our own business and in someone else's. And right away I thought, Oh my God, how often am I in my husband's business commenting on something that has nothing to do with me and him the same with me commenting on what I eat or what I wear and vice versa.
From that day forward, stay in your own business, Kelly, became one of my go to mantras. Like, pick and choose when you really need to say something and when you can just put a sock in it. And the less I pick on my husband, the less he picks on me. We're both a lot better now at staying in our own business.
Although I'm thinking about it now, I think I do need to remind us both to go back into this intention again. It's one of those things where you can slip back into old habits. And I just need to remind him about let's stay in our own business. You mind your business on my mind. So that morning I kept reading the book and soon I got to the four questions writing part.
It's called the judgment. And I'm putting this into my own words here. Think of someone or something that's making you feel low vibe. It could be from the past, that's something that still burns you up every time you think about it, or it could be a current drama in your life. Something or someone that really gets to you.
Now write it down. It's mandatory that you write it down. Otherwise you can't slow your mind down enough to do the work. Byron Katie calls this the work and this specific process helps you to get your frustrations in writing. She actually calls this part the judge your neighbor work. You write down what's upsetting you.
So for example, mine went like this. Mom only likes the sound of her own voice. She has zero awareness of anyone else's feelings. She's overbearing and impossible to be around for any length of time. I'm dreading her visit. But we're going to end up in a fight. And then you carry on, you just keep brain dumping and getting even more of what's in your head into your paper.
I would write down, she's judgmental, she's brash and harsh and cynical, her negativity is so draining. You keep going, you keep going, like any statements that you can think of, you just let it rip basically. Now that you've got your issue, it's time to do the work on it. The inquiry is for questions.
Question number one, is it true? Question number two, can I absolutely know that it's true? Question number three, how do I react when I think that thought? And question four, who would I be without the thought? And then there's a whole turnaround section that you do after that. All right, you may want to get the actual book to read a much deeper explanation of the process and to see the examples Byron Katie uses with working with many people over a range of issues from relationship challenges to parenting issues, work stuff, et cetera, et cetera.
But for my own example, we'll start with the first statement that I had written in that brain dump. Mom only likes the sound of her own voice. Read your statement and ask yourself, is it true? So although my first response is yes, if I'm honest, the answer is no. She can have a conversation and she does ask questions and she hears the responses.
So nope, that's not actually true. Next statement. She has zero awareness of anyone else's feelings. Is that totally true? Well, it feels like a lot of the time, but is it absolutely 100 percent true all the time? No, of course not. And you go through everything you brain dumped and you just dissect it. You keep asking yourself, can I be absolutely certain that this statement is true?
And for most things, The honest answer is no. From there, you ask yourself, you keep going with the same statement. So how do I react when I think that thought and you start your list again? Well, when I think the thought that mom is overbearing and impossible to be around for any length of time, I get upset.
I feel myself getting anxious inside. I'm tense. I close off and then I'm not pleasant to be around. I catastrophize about when she gets old. And I need to take care of her and what that will be like. I don't like thinking about that or feeling like that. It's awful and it's overwhelming. I remember that was a really powerful realization.
I mean, I was like, am I really thinking about when she's old and I'm going to have to look after her and if she, if she's grouchy and all that, like that was really something that I guess subliminally was going on in my mind, but it wasn't until I put a pen to paper that it kind of came out. Then you ask yourself the question.
Who would I be without the thought? Hmm. Well, if I didn't have the thought that mom was negative and draining and hard to be around, I'd probably be able to see more of her good qualities. I'd feel lighter. I'd feel happier. I'd feel more loving towards her. and better about myself for being more loving.
Okay. And then there's this whole process where you need to turn it around and turning it around is simply taking what you wrote one at a time again and turning it around to its opposite. So for this example, it would be like, I only like the sound of my own voice. And you just have to sit with that and you have to be like, is there any truth to that?
Or you can say, mom does not only like the sound of her own voice. Mom is not impossible to be around. And then you have to look at those turnaround statements and you actually ask yourself, are those equally or more true than the original statements? The answer is always yes, they're more true than the original statements.
So. I went back through all of my statements that I'd written, because I only gave you some examples. I'd done this big, gigantic, you know, outpouring of everything. And I went to each of my statements, answered the four questions for each statement, and I did turnarounds on all of those one at a time. I mean, I properly did the work.
I spent a good, two plus hours in bed doing this. And that's super important to point out because this is deep personal work and not something to ponder about in your head or to do small snippets of, you know, here and there. I mean, I really did do the work. And then. The bedroom door opened and my husband came into the room.
He always gets up hours before me and I had the biggest smile on my face. I told him hand on heart that I was actually looking forward to my mother's arrival. I just saw how many stories I had built up about her that weren't even true. I felt a bit ashamed of the presumptions I'd made about her character, but I was ready to move forward with a clean slate.
And when she got there, we melted into the most warm and heartfelt hug. And I enjoyed her company that week. I listened to her stories and she listened to mine and I felt like I was being my best self and I like myself when I'm being my best self. And now that I understand about energy. I can see clearly that all I needed to do was shift my own energy and that shifted hers too.
She and the boys got along so great, and they still have a wonderful relationship now, by the way. That book, Loving What Is, landed in my lap less than 24 hours before her arrival and it really was one of those divine interventions. It put me in a much better position to love her as she is and not to wish she were any different.
But my story comes with a disclaimer. While Spyro and Katie's basic ideas can provide a way to logically see how you can improve a relationship by considering your part in it, it's far too simplistic to cover all situations and all relationships. It could be dangerous, for example, if someone's been sexually abused and the questions lead them to turn the situation around on themselves and see themselves as being part of the problem.
That's just not right, and some people could be really damaged further by that. You also don't have to love what is and stick around in an unhealthy relationship. I think this book works best with those stories that you build up around another person that simply need some reframing. For the deeper stuff, there are so many powerful healing modalities available to us now, like all the ones I've done and spoken about in this podcast.
Don't think that reading a book is going to heal deep wounds. This book was great for me at the time, and I've heard wonderful stories about how much it has helped others too, but I don't think it's the solution for every troubled relationship. And going back to that story with my mother, I do have to say that 10 years after reading, Loving What Is, I'm We had another lousy get together in the USA in 2019, which is the last time we have seen each other in person.
And I'm not going to get into that whole story, except to say that again, I got super triggered and upset. And I called her out on some behavior that I just wasn't willing to accept. We do have to have boundaries. And when those boundaries are overstepped, we can't always just love what is and potentially allow it to happen again.
And again, I do see my own part in it. Jet lag and tiredness didn't help. We have never seen each other or spoken in three years, but we have exchanged many emails and WhatsApp messages and we keep each other updated on our lives. So tomorrow her arrival begins a fresh new chapter. I am taking deep breaths and I'm holding positive expectation.
There is of course, still an era of how is this going to go? But honestly, I feel like. A more evolved person since who I was in 2019, my own personal growth has escalated to the point that I now teach the tools and strategies that I use daily to be in touch with my emotions, let go of stories, tame the ego, forgive and heal.
Right now, an incredible group of women are moving through my hire program. And doing lots of deep work on love, heart opening and moving away from that life happens to me kind of victim mentality and into higher levels of conscious living. And I know that I am running this program this month in divine timing to help me to really tap into all of this even deeper.
I did not know my mother was going to be arriving this month when I planned that I was going to run this higher program now. So, as a soul plan practitioner as well, I now understand that we choose our parents. We have soul contracts with our parents and we are here to learn, grow, and heal from each other.
And now I truly believe that the most difficult people that come into our lives are often the ones that have the most to teach us. They are mirrors reflecting back to us what we need to work on and where we need to grow. This is not intentional on the other person's part. They have not set out to consciously teach us anything.
The ones with which we have the most difficult relationships are often the people closest to us. They can be our parents, siblings, partners. They can be our friends. And what makes someone difficult? Essentially, it is their energy. It has to do with how both of your energies interact with each other.
Every one of us is at our core an energetic being. What we call our personality is actually made up of many layers of energy. We have our kind and open and loving energies, and we have our darker energies. We have our free energies, and others that are constricted and contracted. These energies express themselves through thoughts, emotions, actions, and words.
The more awareness we have of ourselves and others as these energies, the more we can witness our thoughts and feelings rather than identifying with them. This takes practice. It takes a lot of self awareness. It takes a lot of love. Remember that everyone has their own issues they're working through. It is our reaction to their actions that matter.
And I'm going to say that again because I need to hear it right now. It is our reaction to their actions that matter. That's what shows us where we have the most growing to do. And sometimes that means knowing when we need to just love ourselves more and create those boundaries to protect our energies.
So this isn't just about learning to love being around those who trigger us. We need to love ourselves and to forgive ourselves over and over for being human. When we do react. Ultimately, love is always the answer. Tuning into our heart. Asking what will love have me do? What will love have me say? This is my opportunity to really lean into this on a deeply personal level.
As I am led by my heart and by love, I absolutely love a book called the open heart by the Dalai Lama, but it's in storage right now. I nearly ordered it again on Amazon, but I spotted another book that was recommended when you go to one book and it recommends another, and I hadn't read it yet, it's called open heart, open mind.
Which is what I say at the end of every podcast episode. So that is the book that I am taking with me to Alicante next week.
Dear listener, relax your forehead. Take a long, slow, deep breath in, and let it all out with a sigh. Bring to mind someone you have a difficult relationship with, or someone who triggers you.
Now imagine what that person may have been through in their life. Their wounds, their traumas, their experiences. Breathe into your heart, and feel it soften and open as you consider what has shaped and influenced them. Now imagine that person on an energetic or soul level. Take a long, slow, deep breath in, and let it all out with a sigh.
Now imagine that person on an energetic or soul
level. Stripping away their human personality and just seeing them as a soul living in a human body.
Why might that person be in your life? What might they be here to teach you or you to teach them?
Hold love in your heart for that person for a few moments.
Thank you for listening to the project me podcast. You can follow the adventures of my mother and I in Alicante next week on Instagram. I'm Kelly project me or Facebook project me, Kelly P. Please rate and review this podcast. I won't read out your name. If you write a review, I used to do that and I thought maybe people don't want to have their names read out.
So go ahead and leave a review. I won't read your name out. And I'm also planning to do an ask me anything episode where I'm taking listeners questions about, well, anything you want to ask me about. So write in with your questions. Again, I won't read your name, send them to helloatmyprojectme. com or you can ask me on Instagram or on Facebook.
I can't do this episode until I have some questions, so don't be shy, ask me anything. If you're not on the Project Me mailing list, you're missing out on my newsletters and the Project Me Life Wheel Tool. You can sign up at myprojectme. com. Until next time, open your mind, open your heart, and stay curious.
We all need some space in our lives for the magical and unknown.