#7 Creating My Very Own Project Me

As her grown children fly the nest, Kelly reflects back on the early days of motherhood and the two pivotal markers that prepared them - and herself - for this next exciting chapter of their lives.

Rather than freaking out about becoming an 'empty nester', Kelly knows that the years she's spent creating her own 'Project Me' have given her a deeper purpose beyond her children - and helped them to become the capable young adults they are today.

Get the free PDF of journal prompts that go along with this episode. You can also use these as conversation starters with a parter or friend.

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Read the Transcript for this Episode below:

Episode seven of the project me podcast.  Hi, I'm Kelly Pietrangeli, creator of myprojectme. com. And I'm on a mission to help women to step out of autopilot and into higher levels of conscious living. It's easy to get stuck on a treadmill of busyness, afraid to jump off in case you break your neck. I have lots of tools and strategies to help you get your outer world into a better place so that you have the head and heart space to begin exploring your inner world.

That is where the real magic happens.  This episode is sponsored by Project WE. If your life needs a reset after these past few months, Project WE is the best way to dedicate small pockets of time to yourself each week. It includes mini courses in all of your eight key life areas, including productivity and time management, parenting and health and fitness, plus habit trackers and weekly check ins, all designed to make it easy to stay consistent.

So you don't fall back into old ways. If you're ready for a fresh start, go to myprojectme. com forward slash project we.  Welcome back. There's been an unexpected gap in episodes due to a sudden flurry of action in our house. After so many slow months this year, it has felt very full on lately. I don't know whether you've heard about the whole A level exams fiasco in England, but our son Marco was very caught up in that.

I am so happy to say that it's all worked out for him and he's off to Manchester University in a couple of short weeks. Right when all of that was sorted out, my eldest headed off to start his new job in Brussels. I was in floods of tears when he left, not knowing when we'd see him again because of COVID travel restrictions, and I don't know, I've just been so used to having him home again for the past five months since lockdown began, and it's just been so great having all of my family here, and I just felt really emotional.

Plus, I was bursting with motherly pride over how much energy he's put into finding this position at a top company, securing an apartment. Finding roommates, all of it obviously done online and requiring a lot of skills and confidence and perseverance. So, imagine how I felt when he got to Brussels on the Eurostar train and discovered he'd been scammed.

There was no apartment.  The landlord disappeared into thin air along with his deposit. He was there, homeless in Brussels, rather than starting his new life. I was now in deep floods of tears. I was there,  Thankfully, he is now, while I'm speaking right now, he's with a German lad who's in the same predicament and they're looking for a new place.

Guys, please let any young people you know who might be having to move into a place unseen to be super vigilant. I'm now hearing about others who fall in prey to this and not even just now, but even years ago, people are coming forth and saying this happened to me when I moved to London, you know, 16 years ago.

You know, there are professional scammers out there who are indeed professional. They seem so above board and have it all figured out how to steal deposits and run.  And have got more high emotions coming up as we drop our youngest up at university and return home as official empty nesters. I am definitely going to allow myself time to feel all of my emotions during this important transition period in my role as a mother.

People say, Oh, they grow up so quickly and where does the time go? And I think, ah, it feels like about 20 years to me. It doesn't feel like just yesterday that they were born. It feels like a bloody long time ago. I think about how much they've grown, but I think about how much I've grown too. And what I mean by that is my personal growth.

Over these last two decades, I am now entering into a whole fresh, exciting chapter of my life. And I'm as equally excited for my kids as I am for me.  I am so grateful that I started my project me many years ago so that I have my own life outside of the kids. I hear from mothers who have poured everything into their family life.

And when the kids fly the nest. They have nothing left to fill that void.  So, I hope you are using the Project Me Life Wheel and having your hot date with you to do those essential monthly self check ins in all eight areas of your life. Family is but one pedal on your life wheel. Don't lose sight of that.

My dear Grandma Millie gave me some sage words of advice back when my kids were tiny. She lived to be 93. And let's just say I do too. That means I have another 40 years as an empty nester.  She said, make sure you keep up with your girlfriends and have fun and have hobbies outside of your family life.

Because you need all of that so much later. She lost two husbands and two sons. They were adults when she lost them and she said it was having strong friendship circles and hobbies that got her through all of that and kept her so positive and vibrant about life right to the very end. So get the Project Me Life Wheel if you don't already have it at MyProjectMe.

com and see where you're at in all areas of your life and do that check in every month. I'm always banging on about that, but I just can't emphasize it enough.  You know, I feel like I've shared the whole backstory of how and why I created my own Project Me in my book and when I've been interviewed for so many other podcasts.

But as my own podcast is about me chronicling my journey into the wonderful world of woo woo, it feels wrong to just skip over what I call the lost years. The several years where I completely lost myself to motherhood. I am so grateful I found her again and did not slide into such a deep pattern of autopilot living that it became my new normal and I forgot my sole purpose and what I came here to do in this lifetime.

It can happen so easily. We have this kind of gnawing feeling that something's missing, but we're so caught up in the treadmill of busyness that we don't acknowledge that what's missing is us.  That's what happened to me during those last years.  In the days BC, before children, I worked in a string of ridiculously fun jobs in Hollywood, including being Johnny Depp's press assistant and then making music videos.

I moved to London and became a record cover designer. If you listen to episodes two and three of this podcast, you'll learn more about those days. Then I decided to have a baby.  It would be easy. Babies sleep a lot. I thought I'd leave my job at Sony music and set up at home as a freelance graphic designer working as my little darling snoozed.

But if you listen to episode five, you'll know that my son's birth was very traumatic.  After becoming a mother, some essential part of my being felt lost and life was now about trying to muddle through one day at a time. I was just trying to keep on top of everything and all these kind of idyllic notions I had about what my life was going to be like after I had a baby was just out the window.

The mere thought of being responsible for this child for the next 18 years threw me into a complete state of overwhelm. So, it's amazing for me now that I've seen both of my children into adulthood and that I actually did it. I was just a mess back then.  Very soon after my first son was born, I remember I developed a chronic case of I'm not doing anything good enough syndrome.

Maybe you suffer from that one yourself. I felt like I wasn't giving my child my best attention because I was working. And that I wasn't giving my clients my best attention because of my child. And that I wasn't being a good enough wife because I was so bloody knackered and grumpy all of the time.

During that first year of motherhood, I lived without goals of my own. I had goals for my son, getting him to sleep through the night, weaning him, taking his first steps. But none of those things was for me.  Reading my journal entries takes me straight back to that discouraging period of my life. Maybe you can relate to some of how I was feeling.

Lack of energy. Disorganized. Overwhelmed with constant list of things to do that never get done.  Procrastination. Guilt,  bored and frustrated,  complete loss of libido, no creativity or motivation.  Then, in one journal entry after my son's first birthday, I had a bit of a breakthrough. I wrote this,  I need to create more me time for self reflection, goal setting, inspirational reading, and clearing my mind.

I waste too much time watching TV. Unless something really watchable is on, do something else.  Create time for lovemaking. Don't expect it to just happen.  Pamper myself. Burn candles. Create a calm environment. Play chill out music when I'm cooking. Make our home a sanctuary.  I wrote that my intention for the year ahead was to create a healthy balance by giving more energy to the most important things and people in my life.

And in that single journey entry, the seed of Project Me was planted.  I began doing small things for me. I remember I got a gym membership with a crush and I got fit for the very first time. I planned date nights with my husband. We scheduled in lovemaking so it would actually happen. I made sure I took my grandma Millie's advice and I kept up with my girlfriends.

But I have to say that when my second son came along, life became really challenging. By the time he was two, he ruled the roost and didn't listen to a word I said. He and my five year old squabbled incessantly and I felt like I was losing my mind.  My husband and I disagreed over discipline. We end up having huge arguments in front of the kids.

I remember him slamming the door behind him as he left on a business trip, saying he couldn't wait to get out of there. I sank to the floor and bawled my eyes out.  This was not the happy family life I'd envisioned. No one told me it was going to be so hard. In fact, everyone else was making it look easy.

Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother. I didn't seem to be made from the right stuff.  I'm ashamed to admit that I took my frustrations out on my kids.  I overreacted, shouted, punished, and I was heavy handed with them more than once.  My kids deserve better, but I had no idea how to change things. I read some books on discipline and parenting, but I didn't ever manage to implement anything that made a real difference.

I always remember the morning I dropped my kids off at school and then laid my head on the steering wheel, sobbing. I had an actual sore throat for how loud I'd been screaming at them.  My life felt like a red hot mess and I was too exhausted to even think straight about how to make it better.  There are two pivotal markers in what was to become my own project.

Me that began to improve things dramatically. Number one, taking a 10 week parenting skills course with the parent practice in London. Oh my God. I used to think that everything was my kid's fault, but I soon figured out that changing my own behavior improved their behavior too. Within a few weeks of concentrating on my parenting skills, my boys were happily playing with each other, following through on instructions, and our home took on a whole different, happier vibe.

I discovered the importance of setting some time aside each week to plan, organize, and prepare for success.  If you told me back then that one day I'd go on to work with the parent practice, helping other stressed out mothers to get a handle on their family life, I'd have honestly laughed in your face.

Me helping anyone else with their kids? But within a few short months, that's exactly what I was doing.  My boys are now young adults and incredibly respectful and lovely to be around. Once I got past all of the behavioral difficulties, I was able to forge a deep, meaningful relationship with them and encourage their sense of values and ethics and communication.

If I were still screaming at them every day, I don't know that they'd be able to shine the way they do.  The investments of money and time and energy that I made back then paid off for all of us. They freed me up to devote more attention to other areas of my life, and my husband and I stopped fighting over the kids and went back to being best friends.

You can continue to wing it, or you can give yourself the chance to enjoy your children, bringing them up with your family values instead of just always putting out fires. Don't give yourself or your kids a hard time. Get all the support you can. Fortunately, parenting skills can be learned and mindsets can be changed, and I am living proof of that, guys.

The parent practice now have an online version of that same course I took and I can't recommend it enough. Tell them Kelly P from Project Me sent you and I think they'll even give you a discount. Just, just ask.  Ah, the second part of my Project Me was joining forces with two girlfriends and creating a power posse in 2008 to work on our lives together.

So, that was when the boys were eight and five. We got together once a month for the sole purpose of talking about whatever was challenging us in the different areas of our lives and working on solutions. I have what I call a hot date with me before a monthly meetup to do my life wheel check in and to write down which areas of my life need some extra focus in the month ahead.

Then we get together, we share, and we have that accountability to actually do what we say we want to do. And here we are, 12 years later, and still having our monthly meetups, albeit often on Zoom now. We just had our call yesterday. These sessions are called our ask sessions. It's an acronym, Anna Susie Kelly ask.

And having this kind of support network has been life changing.  I actually started my project. We membership club after so many women heard about my own power posse and wish they had like minded friends to do this with. I do a live Zoom meetup once a month with my project WePosse. We have the PowerPosse online forum with weekly accountability posts.

There's a hub for videos and worksheets and really everything you need to focus on your project meet in whatever pockets of time you carve out. I am so proud of Project WE and all the members of Project WE. I always think, oh my god, I wish Project ME and Project WE had been around for me back then, so I could have fast tracked my way into a happier, balanced, calmer life.

But I am so happy it's there now to help others.  This has all morphed into something beyond my wildest dreams. The Project Me website launched in  2013, I now run online courses and workshops and retreats. I could have never imagined I'd be in a position to help others get their lives into a happier place back when my life was so hectic, but that's exactly what I'm doing now.

Women all over the world are creating their own versions of Project Me and their kids are like little sponges Soaking up the vibes that their happy mamas are giving out It puts such a smile on my face to think about the positive effect that Project Me is having on future generations, too And now I hear more than ever from women who don't have children who are loving the Project Me framework, too Which is so exciting  There is just something really special about treating your own life like an exciting ongoing project and having that monthly hot date with you.

Once you get going, you feel what it's like to be less reactive and more proactive. You realize that you are in control of your own happiness and you pour more energy into creating a life you love.  I am always having to remind women that it's not selfish to put the focus on you. Many mothers in particular suffer from guilt when it comes to doing something for themselves.

They'll organize everything they think their child needs, buying them more things, chauffeuring them from one activity to another, yet they'd never consider spending that kind of time or money on themselves.  Eventually, this kind of self sacrifice leads to frustration, stress, exhaustion, and resentment. I see it all the time.

It also means that when those kids eventually fly the nest, you are left with nothing for yourself. You have lost yourself somewhere along the way.  The more you stay connected to yourself now, the easier it'll be to live a well balanced life and not lose yourself completely. So do whatever you can in a slow, consistent way in whatever small pockets of time that you can deliberately carve out.

And you do have to do that. You've got to carve out time. It isn't just going to magically appear. You got to schedule it in and something else might have to give, you might have to drop perfection on something and, and just go with the flow a lot more. Um, I wish I had done that when my kids were younger.

For me, as I've said, it was getting the family air of my life into a better place. That gave me the mental and emotional bandwidth to begin looking at the rest of my life. And from there, a whole new world opened up for me.  So I'll be an empty nester in just a couple of short weeks. And I genuinely feel that I've done my best to prepare my children and myself as we fly into this next exciting chapter of our lives.

I am now so passionate about helping other women to create their own project. Peace.

Dear listener,  relax your forehead.  Take a deep breath in  and let it out with a sigh.  Keep breathing as you reflect on these questions. I will include a worksheet of journal prompts and conversation starters in the show notes so you don't have to write these down and you can go deeper with them in your own time when you're ready.

Where in your life do you feel like you might be operating in autopilot, going through the motions out of habit rather than being intentional and conscious?  What's a current challenge that could potentially be figured out quite easily if you gave it some focused attention to find a solution?

Which area or areas of your life get pushed onto the back burner too often?  Why do you think that happens? How could you bring it closer to the front?

Do you have a hobby or a passion project on the go right now? If not, what would you love to do?

What would you do if you had one full day to yourself to do something just for you?

What would you love to do for one full week if time or money or responsibilities were not an issue? Go ahead and dream big.

What do you think about having a hot date with you once a month to do some challenge solving and a little light dreaming and scheming about the different areas of your life?

Thanks so much for listening to the Project Me podcast. I know this episode didn't cover any woo woo modality as usual, but during those lost years, my life felt too chaotic to dive into the wonderful world of woo woo. In the next episode, I'll share what happened next on my path towards higher conscious living.

In the meantime, head to the show notes in the podcast section at myprojectme. com for the journal prompts PDF. And while you're there, download the free Project Me life wheel tool I keep talking about and check out Project We. I'd love to support you in getting started with your own Project Me.  Good karma comes to those who share the Project Me podcast or leave a positive rating or review.

I appreciate that so much.  Until next time, open your mind, open your heart, and stay curious. We all need some space in our lives for the magical and unknown.